How to Turn Anger Into Self-Love (As Featured in Upworthy)
I was recently featured in Upworthy discussing a topic that many of us struggle with: what to do with anger.
Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. Many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that anger is something to suppress, avoid, or feel ashamed of.
But what if anger isn’t the problem?
What if it’s actually pointing you toward something important?
Anger Isn’t the Enemy
Anger is often noted as a "secondary emotion," meaning that there is often an underlying emotion underneath such as sadness, anxiety, etc. However, sometimes anger can show up as a "primary emotion," signaling to our bodies that a boundary has been crossed. Anger is a primal emotion, and just like all emotions, they can be used as information.
Anger can often signal that:
a boundary has been crossed
a need hasn’t been met
something feels unfair or hurtful
When we shift from judging anger to getting curious about it, we can start to channel the behaviors we choose in response to that anger.
Getting Curious… “Why Am I Angry?”
Instead of reacting impulsively or pushing anger away, we can pause and ask ourselves:
What is this anger trying to tell me?
What feels threatened or unmet?
What matters to me in this moment?
Anger may be uncomfortable, but it has the potential to help you connect more honestly with yourself and engage with the world more intentionally.
Reframing Anger as Self-Love
Here’s the shift I often help clients make:
Anger can be an expression of self-love.
It’s protective.
It’s activating.
It’s trying to get your attention.
When something important to you is being violated; your time, your energy, your values; anger shows up.
When you learn to listen to it rather than fear it, anger becomes less about reaction and more about alignment.
How to Work With Anger (Not Against It)
Here are a few ways to start building a healthier relationship with anger:
1. Acknowledge it
Let it exist without immediately judging or suppressing it.
2. Get curious about the root
Anger is often layered over deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or sadness.
3. Channel the energy
Anger carries activation. That energy can be redirected toward change or growth.
You might:
Set a boundary you’ve been avoiding
Have a difficult but honest conversation
Reconnect with yourself after a relationship ends
4. Release it when needed
Not all anger is meant to be acted on. Sometimes it needs to be processed through movement, expression, or support.
Anger vs. Agression:
There is a difference between the "emotion" of anger and the "behavior" of aggression and learning to understand how anger shows up somatically and channel it in productive ways can be empowering. For example, let's say you just got broken up with and you’re feeling anger on a deep level—instead of focusing that anger towards your ex and obsessing over them, you can channel the energy that comes with that anger towards being competitive with yourself, leveling up in your personal and professional life, doing things that once brought you joy, and challenging yourself to accomplish goals that you may not have had that spark of motivation to push yourself towards.
Anger, may be one of the more uncomfortable emotions to experience, but it has a plethora of potential to connect to yourself more honestly, and with the world more ambitiously.
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or unsure how to make sense of them, you’re not alone.
In therapy, we can work together to understand what your anger is trying to tell you, build healthier ways of responding, and help you feel more grounded and in control.
I offer virtual therapy across Los Angeles and California for individuals and couples.
→ you can reach out here to get started!
With gratitude,
Atalie Abramovici