Why We Gossip: A Therapist’s Take (As Featured in TIME)
I was recently featured in TIME discussing something that most of us have been told to avoid:
Gossip.
It tends to have a bad reputation. It’s associated with judgment, negativity, or even harm.
But the reality is more nuanced.
Research shows that gossip isn’t just something we shouldn’t do, it’s actually something deeply human, and in many cases, socially useful.
Gossip Is More Normal (and Neutral) Than We Think
When people hear the word “gossip,” they often think of something malicious.
But research tells a different story:
Most gossip is actually neutral, not negative
It often involves sharing information, not tearing someone down
It plays a role in how we understand people and relationships
In fact, one study found that the majority of everyday gossip is simply people exchanging social information about others.
Why We Gossip in the First Place
From a psychological and evolutionary perspective, gossip serves several important functions:
1. It helps us navigate relationships
We learn who feels safe, trustworthy, or aligned with our values without having to experience everything firsthand.
2. It builds social awareness
Gossip teaches us what is considered acceptable, inappropriate, or meaningful within a group.
3. It strengthens connection
Sharing information, even casually, can create a sense of closeness and bonding.
Some researchers even argue that gossip was essential to human survival, often helping early communities cooperate and maintain trust.
Gossip as Social Learning
One of the most overlooked aspects of gossip is how much it teaches us.
We’re constantly (often unconsciously) asking:
What behaviors are acceptable?
What gets rewarded or judged?
How do people treat each other?
Gossip allows us to learn the rules of relationships and social dynamics without having to experience every situation ourselves.
In that sense, it’s not just “talk”, it’s information.
The Problem Isn’t Gossip, it’s How We Use It
Gossip becomes harmful when it’s:
Inaccurate or exaggerated
Meant to exclude or shame
Shared without awareness of impact
But not all gossip is created equal.
In fact, some researchers suggest that gossip is actually a social skill and that the goal isn’t to eliminate it, but to engage in it more thoughtfully.
How to Engage in Gossip More Mindfully
Instead of trying to stop gossiping altogether (which is often unrealistic), we can shift how we relate to it:
1. Check your intention
Are you sharing to connect and process or to judge and criticize?
2. Stay grounded in truth
Avoid exaggeration or assumptions.
3. Notice how you feel afterward
Helpful gossip tends to feel connecting or clarifying, not draining or heavy.
4. Be mindful of trust
How you talk about others often reflects how safe people feel with you.
A More Compassionate Perspective
We often think emotional health means avoiding “negative” behaviors entirely.
But just like anger, anxiety, or conflict, gossip is part of being human.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness.
When we understand why we gossip, we can start to use it in ways that are more aligned, intentional, and connected to who we want to be.
If you’ve ever found yourself overthinking your relationships, conversations, or how you come across to others—you’re not alone.
In therapy, we can explore patterns like these with curiosity (not judgment), helping you feel more confident, intentional, and grounded in your relationships.
I offer in person therapy in Encino, Los Angeles and virtual therapy across California for individuals and couples.
You can reach out here to get started!
With gratitude,
Atalie Abramovici