Conversation vs. Confrontation

Turning Confrontation into Conversation

“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” — Max Lucado

Conflict can be one of the most stressful parts of relationships — especially when you’re trying to set boundaries, express needs, or avoid hurting someone you care about. Many people struggle with confrontation and end up either staying silent or feeling overwhelmed when tension arises. Let’s explore how to shift from confrontation into conversation, using communication tools that support connection, clarity, and emotional safety.

Confrontation is an intimidating concept for many people. It often brings about feelings of fear, anxiety, and dread. I can’t count how many people I’ve heard refer to themselves as “non-confrontational” or that they “hate confrontation.” So why do so many of us feel that it’s an integral component of communicating our needs? Many people avoid confrontation because of self-doubt or fear of being “too much,” which is often connected to self-esteem. You can explore this more in my post on boosting self-esteem and inner confidence.

Recently, in one of my sessions with a client, we were exploring a strained new roommate dynamic. Since this roommate is new and living with my client, there was both hesitancy and urgency to set boundaries around certain situations in the most delicate manner possible. I could feel the palpable anxiety emanating from my client as we explored how to set boundaries with the roommate… and that’s when it occurred to me. Instead of looking at this as a confrontation, let’s look at this as a conversation… and see what shifts.

Confrontation, in essence, is a hostile interaction between opposing parties and is marked by an argumentative tone. Conversation, on the other hand, may involve opposing views or opinions, but the overarching goal is to smoothly come to a shared understanding.

 If you’ve read my blog on how to set boundaries, you’re familiar with the sandwich technique for effective communication. It is essentially sandwiching what you want to assert between positive statements. Communicating effectively involves the use of “I” statements (taking ownership of our feelings and perspectives) and sticking to observable behaviors without the use of extremes or absolutes (e.g., “always,” “never”).

Adding an additional step fully sets the stage for a conversation to occur: inviting the other person to join in on the dialogue by asking questions. Some examples are: “Is there anything you want to tell me?” or “Is there anything I’m doing that you’d like me to be more aware of?”.

 Of course, context is very crucial here. Sometimes, when dynamics are deeply ingrained, or we are trying to communicate with someone without the skills of active listening, we may be better off taking other approaches. If you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations or feeling anxious when conflict comes up, you’re not alone — and it doesn’t mean you’re bad at relationships. These patterns are often shaped by past experiences and can be gently unlearned. Therapy can be a space to practice communicating with more confidence, clarity, and emotional safety. If you’d like support navigating conflict or strengthening your relationships, I’d be happy to talk with you about working together.

With gratitude,

Atalie Abramovici, LMFT