7 Signs You Might Be Contributing to the Problem in Your Arguments (As Featured in TIME)

I was recently featured in TIME magazine, sharing some of the patterns I see most often in couples who are stuck in the same argument on repeat. I wanted to expand on those thoughts here in a little more depth.

I get asked some version of this question all the time in session: "Am I the problem?" or “Who is the problem here?”

In almost a decade of working with couples, I've never met a "problem person." I've met plenty of good people stuck in bad patterns. So instead of thinking about this as a checklist for figuring out who's to blame, I want you to read it as a mirror—a chance to notice your own part in the cycle because that's actually the part you have the power to change.

Here are seven patterns I see most often, and what tends to work better instead:

1. You speak in absolutes

"You always do this." "You never listen." I hear it constantly, and it's one of the first habits I try to help couples break.

Absolutes put the other person on the defensive immediately, because now they feel misrepresented instead of heard. And here's the tricky part: the conversation stops being about the actual issue and starts being about whether "always" is technically true. You've lost the thread before you even got to say what hurt.

Try anchoring to the specific moment instead. Not "you never help around here," but "last night when the dishes were still in the sink, I felt overwhelmed." Speak to what happened, not to a lifetime pattern.

2. You're keeping score

I tell my clients this often: once you start keeping score, nobody wins.

If you notice yourself constantly tracking who did more, who apologized last, who's "ahead" — that's worth paying attention to. Scorekeeping usually isn't really about fairness. It's what shows up when someone feels unappreciated or unseen but doesn't know how to say that directly. So instead, it comes out sideways, as a tally.

The problem is that scorekeeping turns a relationship into a transaction. And relationships that run on transactions don't build the kind of trust and teamwork that gets you through the hard stuff. If you catch yourself keeping score, try asking what you're actually not feeling — valued? Prioritized? Seen? That's the real conversation.

3. You haven't learned to regulate your own emotions yet

A relationship is two people, which means it takes two nervous systems learning how to function well together. Part of that is knowing your own emotional triggers, and knowing when you've hit your limit.

When you're emotionally flooded, you cannot listen well. You cannot process what your partner is saying. You definitely can't respond thoughtfully. In that state, almost nothing productive can happen — no matter how "right" you are.

This is why I teach couples that taking a pause isn't avoidance. Walking away from a conversation with a clear intention to come back to it is a skill, not a cop-out. The key phrase is "I need a few minutes, and I want to come back to this" — not just disappearing.

4. You conflate behavior with identity

There's a big difference between "you're a horrible person" and "I feel dismissed when you walk away while I'm telling you something important." One attacks who someone is. The other names a behavior and how it affected you.

When conflict turns into a referendum on someone's character, it creates shame — and shame makes people defensive, not accountable. Nobody repairs a relationship from a defensive crouch. Staying focused on behavior keeps the door open for change, because behavior can shift. Identity attacks just make people dig in.

5. You haven't learned how to actually validate someone

Validation gets confused with agreement all the time, but they're not the same thing. Validation is communicating that you understand — even if you'd have handled things differently yourself.

There are levels to it. The most basic is simply paying attention. A bit deeper is reflecting back what you heard. Deeper still is recognizing why your partner's feelings make sense given their history and experience. And the highest level is holding your partner as an equal while still honoring their emotional reality — not one-upping them, and not treating them like they're fragile.

When couples skip these steps, they end up talking past each other instead of actually connecting. One simple structure that helps: one person speaks while the other listens purely to understand, not to prepare a rebuttal, and then reflects back what they heard before responding. It sounds small. It changes everything about how safe an argument feels.

6. You say what you don't want instead of what you do want

"Stop ignoring me." "Don't do that." These are complaints, and they're valid — but they don't give your partner a roadmap for what to do instead.

When you only name what you don't want, your partner is left guessing at what would actually feel better. Try flipping it: "I'd like you to check in with me when you get home." "It would mean a lot if you stayed present while I'm sharing something." Naming what you want reduces confusion, lowers defensiveness, and keeps the conversation moving toward a solution instead of circling the complaint.

7. You're assuming instead of asking

"You don't care about me." "You did that on purpose." These sound like facts, but they're actually interpretations — stories you're telling yourself about what your partner's behavior means.

Assumptions escalate conflict fast because they leave no room for your partner's actual experience. Try language like "the story I'm telling myself is..." or "from my perspective..." It sounds small, but it changes the entire tone of a conversation — from an accusation to an opening for clarification.

The real shift: stop looking for "the problem person"

Here's what I want you to take away from all of this: trying to figure out who's "the problem" in an argument doesn't actually solve the argument. It just keeps you both stuck in a loop of blame and defensiveness.

The more useful question isn't "who's doing this wrong," it's "what pattern do we keep getting caught in together?" Almost every one of these seven patterns is driven by the same handful of fears underneath — not feeling valued, not feeling safe, not feeling like your person is still on your team. Once you see those fears clearly, criticism, defensiveness, and shutting down all start to make a lot more sense.

The couples I see make the most progress are the ones who learn to say "this is our problem" instead of "you're the problem." Even in the middle of repair, hearing "this isn't your fault, this is something we're both in" does more to bring two people back together than almost anything else I know.

You're not looking for who's guilty. You're looking for the pattern so you can start solving it as a team.

If you recognize your own relationship in any of this, reach out to schedule a session and let's work through it together.

With gratitude,

Atalie Abramovici