5 Ways to Fight Better, According to a Couples Therapist

Conflict is inevitable in every relationship, but how you navigate it can either strengthen your connection or create more distance. Healthy conflict isn’t about avoiding disagreements, rather it’s about learning how to communicate in a way that fosters understanding, repair, and emotional safety.

Here are five ways to fight better so that conflict becomes an opportunity for growth rather than disconnection.

1. Lean into giving your partner the benefit of the doubt

Be generous with your assumptions of the other person’s intentions so that you can come to the discussion openly rather than with a preconceived assumption of what they are thinking feeling, or experiencing. This entails letting go of the focus on being "right" and instead speaking from your own perspective. This looks like beginning your sentence with "my perspective, recollection, viewpoint, or memory is…"

2. State what you want rather than what you don’t want

When we focus on what we don’t want, we immediately put our partner on the defense, and we don’t set the stage for forward progress and repair. Ultimately, we want to be able to communicate what our needs are and to reinforce them when our partner is able to provide them. True repair is not just talking about what happened, it’s also identifying ways to ensure that the problem doesn’t arise again, or, in the case that it does, having a plan for what each person will do differently in order to show up more intentionally to the relationship.

3. Stay curious: Ask “why” the right way

Often times, I will see a partner in a couple ask a question in a derogatory way, not really seeking an answer, rather making an assumption through the guise of a question. Ask yourself: Are you asking “why?” in a derogatory tone, e.g., “why are you so disinterested in understanding my point of view?” or are you asking out of curiosity? Asking out of curiosity has a very different tonality to the “why” and looks like “Why do you step away when I bring up something that’s bothering me? I genuinely want to know.”

4. Take a pause when needed

Knowing when to pause an argument because you are wheel spinning, fighting about trivial triggers as opposed to the underlying emotions, or simply flooded with emotion, can make a huge difference in how you repair conflict. I help couples begin to identify within themselves internal body cues that signal when they are becoming dysregulated or elevated and having an agreement beforehand to step away as a team during this time. This usually requires them to communicate the pause in a way that signals they are doing it for the health of the relationship. This includes giving a set time for when they’ll come back to check in to gauge if they’re ready to actually have the conversation or if they still need more time to regulate. Sometimes couples enjoy having a hand signal or a code word and others simply practice being able to say "I need to step away to regulate myself for us and I’ll be back."

5. Notice if you’re fighting about a standard or an expectation

Expectations are what we impose on others, while standards are what we hold for ourselves.

Standards are not personal—they don’t change from person to person or relationship to relationship. They reflect your values and needs in a relationship, such as honesty, trust, loyalty, and empathy. Expectations, on the other hand, are assumptions about what a partner will do or how they will behave. Because expectations are often unspoken, they can lead to disappointment when they are not met, so it’s important to express them clearly.

While standards and expectations can be different, they can also be interrelated. For instance, having high standards for communication may lead to an expectation that your partner will communicate with you regularly and effectively. Unmet expectations can lead to disappointment, frustration, or conflict in a relationship, especially if they go against one partner's standards or values. This is why it is crucial to understand your standards and expectations and communicate them openly. Doing so gives you more clarity on your standards (your non-negotiables) and your expectations (things that may be able to be compromised).

Where to Go From Here:

Conflict doesn't have to drive you apart. When both partners approach disagreements with curiosity, clear communication, and a willingness to repair, conflict can become an opportunity to deepen trust and strengthen your relationship. If you find yourselves getting stuck in the same patterns despite your best efforts, couples therapy can provide the tools and support needed to create lasting change.

If you're looking for couples therapy in Encino or anywhere in California via telehealth, I'd be honored to help.

Feel free to reach out to learn more about working together.

With gratitude,

Atalie Abramovici